‘Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.’
People very often equate boundaries with ‘walls’. Perhaps it is better to put it this way, because it may help you distinguish between them more easily: they ‘build walls’ around themselves, thinking they are setting a boundary.
So.. I want to explain why both are important and what the difference between them is.
Boundaries are essential to both your life and your well-being. You have to know your own boundaries because other people cannot know them unless you communicate them. You have to vocalize them instead of expecting others to read your mind.
Simply put, what we allow will continue.
What we do not say stays inside us, and eventually, it has to come out somehow.. usually in the form of anger, disappointment, exhaustion or stress. That is why you have to learn to say it in time: ‘Stop’ and ‘No’! In this way, we ‘teach’ others how to treat us by showing them what we will and will not allow. Saying ‘no’ honors your own needs.
Then you have to respect those boundaries yourself. Because if you do not respect them, do not expect anyone else to respect them. And people ‘like’ to push boundaries and see how far they can go. It is up to you.
Be direct. Use a firm voice.
Keep it short. Say ‘no’ without a long explanation. Even ‘No’ is a complete sentence. You do not set clear boundaries to fight with or offend others, but to protect yourself from everything that is not love.
Will someone get angry? Of course they might.. but that is not your problem. Learn to accept it. Those who get angry are most probably angry because you stopped serving their selfish needs. Let them think.
You always have a choice. If someone treats you badly, you can either allow them to continue, or you can say: ‘I do not deserve this’.. and remove them from your life.
That is exactly when your boundaries come into force. Of course, you must first communicate the problem to your partner before deciding to end a relationship.
If you do not say anything.. it is like giving them permission, allowing them to continue mistreating you while, at the same time, participating in that mistreatment yourself. Toward yourself. Be vocal.
Then, if they continue to treat you badly.. stop treating yourself badly! Because it is no longer up to them.. it is up to you. Show them where the door is.
Your boundaries must come from a place of love and self-respect, not from your ego and fears. That is the fundamental difference between ‘boundaries’ and ‘walls’.
On the other hand, when you build walls around yourself, it often means that you have closed your heart and the natural flow of energy. You let fear guide that choice, usually because of a painful experience from the past. Holding on to old hurts blocks new connections.
In doing so, you hurt yourself. It is okay to be careful and not give everyone access, because not everyone deserves it. Learn to filter the people in your life.. choose who deserves your time and energy.
Walls can sometimes be a form of ‘salvation’ when you need distance and physical or mental space to think, rest and heal. This quiet time can help you process your emotions and understand yourself better. Build your strong castle from those walls. Use that time and space to keep the outside noise at bay, heal, grow stronger and create a harmonious place to live in and establish your boundaries.
That is why it is important to understand the difference between walls and boundaries.. so you do not carry the pain of past experiences into new encounters and pass it on to others, but instead learn from what you have been through.
Learn to love yourself. Because others will not always know how to love you. And you will meet all kinds of people. Boundaries matter.
Protect your private space.. choose who gets your time and love.
This isn’t the only text. But today, it might be enough.