‘Be careful who you start dating.. a lot of people aren’t looking for love, they’re looking for help.’
I wish more people understood that each of us is responsible for ourselves and for our own life.
Then, we need to question our beliefs. Just because we grew up being taught to live in a certain way does not mean that way is healthy or that it serves us. In fact, many things we have accepted as normal are not normal at all. We accepted them simply because they became habitual.
Habitual is not the same as normal. Common is not the same as healthy.
One of those beliefs is that, in one way or another, we depend on other people. We depend on their opinions. We expect them to fulfil us, make us happy or become our ‘other half’ — the person who will finally make us feel complete.
And that burden of expectations is enormous. For the person expected to carry it.
As a result, we see many relationships in which partners no longer act as partners, but as mothers, fathers or therapists.. as though that were normal. It isn’t.
The problem lies not only in how children are raised, but also in what happens when they become adults. Once they become aware of how they were raised, many still choose to do nothing to change it.
Maybe you could not choose your parents or the way they raised you, but you can choose to change yourself. And the way you raise your own children.
Your life is your responsibility. Your happiness too. The same applies to your partner. Once you both understand that, you can support each other in a healthy way instead of entering a relationship looking for someone to save you.
Maybe you see a similarity here.. but the difference is huge.
Many people enter relationships to fill personal voids — seeking relief from loneliness, insecurity or unmet emotional needs. They mistake those needs for love without even realizing it. This unconscious dynamic often leads to one-sided, unsustainable relationships that crumble once those underlying needs are no longer being met.
The root of this lack of emotional independence often lies in childhood.
For example..
When a man is raised by a controlling or overprotective mother, his path toward individuation — becoming his own independent person — is often obstructed. His psychological and emotional development is affected in ways that will later be reflected in his relationships.
When a woman is raised by a controlling or overprotective mother, her path toward individuation is equally obstructed, but it manifests differently.
Being raised by a controlling or overprotective father also affects a child’s natural development. Deprived of the opportunity to make mistakes and develop autonomy, both men and women often carry these dynamics into adulthood.
However, while this upbringing helps explain these difficulties in relationships, it is not an excuse to perpetuate them.
All of this can change if people become aware of themselves, their intentions and their needs. If they are willing to reflect on themselves. To learn to love themselves and take responsibility for their own lives. To choose a partner for who they are and to share joy instead of expecting them to provide it.
Do not simply carry your childhood conditioning into your adult relationships without questioning it. Do not pass it on to your relationships by default.
A relationship is also called a PARTNERship. Your partner should be your partner, not your therapist or your parent.
Love heals. Partners should support each other and, above all, be best friends. They should see each other as equals. A relationship should feel fulfilling.
Love is given, not expected. Love is not about how much you need someone, nor should you measure your love by how much someone needs you. A relationship should not be exhausting.
In a relationship, you shouldn’t have to teach the other person the basics, such as respect and honesty.
In a relationship, you should be accepted for who you are. The only things you need to teach each other are your love language, your needs and your desires. And that is achieved through honest and healthy communication.
If you are a parent, raise your kids to be mentally strong and independent.
Remember:
Your partner is not there to entertain you.
Your partner is not there to be your therapist. While partners should support each other, healing past wounds is an inside job. Projecting that responsibility onto your partner creates an unfair burden.
Your partner is not there to complete you. You are already whole on your own.
A relationship should add to your life — two whole individuals choosing to build a shared journey together.
So be careful who you give your love to.. and be aware of yourself.
Look for a genuine partnership instead of looking for a project to fix, a void to fill or a crutch to lean on. That’s a recipe for ending up drained instead of loved.
This isn’t the only text. But today, it might be enough.