‘‘You don’t tell people you’re not okay,’ she said, ‘because it’s hard watching them not know what to do. Then you end up comforting them, even though the one who needed comforting was you.’’
Ah.. this is what usually happens.
And this is just one of many experiences and lessons life has taught me.
I had to find answers, as usual, because every time I told people I wasn’t feeling okay, I often ended up feeling even worse. Usually, I simply wanted someone who could hold space for me.. no opinions, no judgments, no advice.
I experienced it firsthand.. many times.
That’s why I had to learn not to share what I’m going through with just anyone. Not because I don’t want to, but because of people’s interests and reactions. In the end, I felt exhausted.
Apart from being misunderstood, I often ended up comforting them because of HOW I FELT. I was the one who needed comfort. Or I ended up having to justify HOW I FELT.
They felt better, and I felt horrible.
Absorbing other people’s fears is never pleasant.
Instead of feeling better, I found myself wondering why people immediately think about themselves instead of thinking about the person who just opened up to them and what that person actually needs.
I know.. it’s ridiculous.
First of all.. let’s normalize that not feeling okay is OKAY!
And then.. we need to normalize saying: ‘I am not okay.’ So say it when you don’t feel okay.
Because it is okay not to feel okay. It is normal. It is natural.Life can be very hard. Normalize this.
However, I’m not saying.. go around complaining to every single person.
No, no.
First of all, complaining for the sake of complaining is not helpful at all. That is the behavior of someone who has chosen the role of a victim. There is no solution in that kind of behavior, and people who constantly listen to victims usually end up drained.
Be responsible for your life.
I’m saying: choose those you feel comfortable with to EXPRESS how you feel.
Don’t suppress your emotions and feelings, because that can be very harmful and aggressive toward yourself. If you have no one you feel safe opening up to, write your feelings down. And if you need professional help, go for it. Just don’t bottle up your emotions and feelings.
Then..
We all MUST LEARN to listen.
We must learn to listen, create a safe environment and offer presence. To offer love instead of projecting fear and worries onto someone. Because in the end, they leave feeling even worse. They feel like THEY NEED TO COMFORT YOU even though THEY are the one who should be comforted.
Make sure you are not one of those people.
Practice empathy. Practice compassion. Approach others with understanding instead of judgment.
WORRYING has no purpose.
CARING about those you love is something completely different.
Look for solutions. And ask people what kind of support they need. Do they simply need someone to listen? Or do they need advice? Don’t guess. Ask.
How others react to your openness says a lot about how they move through life. They project their way of thinking onto you. It has much more to do with them than with you. Don’t let that silence you.
So before you decide to stay quiet and suffer.. Instead of deciding not to say that you are not feeling okay.. Choose carefully who you share your feelings with. Choose those with whom you feel comfortable being vulnerable.
And be that person too.
So when someone opens up to you, before saying anything, think about THEIR needs, not yours.
Ask them:
‘Do you need my presence and listening, or do you need my advice?’
Let this sink in.
This isn’t the only text. But today, it might be enough.