‘They never want to discuss what triggered you, only how you reacted.’
This happens far more often than it should.
This applies to every type of relationship, but it becomes especially visible in romantic relationships, where these situations often end in constant arguments or even breakups.
At the root of it all is poor communication.. and the absence of genuine dialogue. Did you ever stop to wonder whether your own actions created that reaction? You did not get the answer you wanted or expected? Your actions caused that reaction.. Did you think about your words? And above all.. your INTENTIONS?
If you believe you have the right to say whatever you want, then accept that others have exactly the same right. Especially when you are talking about them. Why not? If saying whatever you want is simply your beautiful way of communicating.. then allow others to communicate the same way too.
It is one thing to speak in order to understand, reflect and exchange perspectives. It is something completely different to simply say whatever you want.. Anyone can do that. Very few people truly know how to communicate.
Or they respond with anger.. so you react with anger too and say: ‘Why are you angry? I was just saying that..’
Look.. that ‘just’ is very often not ‘just’..
For example..
You say whatever you want ABOUT ME. But the moment I tell you what I think ABOUT YOUR OPINION ABOUT ME, or simply explain that you misunderstood me, suddenly that is no longer acceptable. Because now you are upset. Really?
So not only did you say something that hurt me.. now you are also offended by my reaction to your action. And somehow.. YOU are the one who’s angry? Not me.. you?
Apparently when you treat people the way they treat you, they get upset.
Classic manipulation.
It is actually very simple.. Yet very few people are willing to look at the whole picture and be honest with themselves.
In order to understand the situation, we need to know both perspectives. Not only that, but also the way both people communicate, their tone, intentions, past experiences, traumas, triggers and much more before reaching any conclusion or solution.
What matters is understanding the entire context instead of focusing only on reactions.
And fundamentally, as I said, there is no healthy and honest communication here. Very often, this becomes one of the main reasons relationships and marriages fall apart.
Communication also means being able to express everything you think and feel without attacking, humiliating or disrespecting the other person. And it goes both ways.
Communicate thoughtfully. Express yourself assertively. Think before you speak. Accept other people’s opinions, even when they disagree with yours.
Don’t silence someone just because they disagree with you.
Discuss politely. Yes, it is possible.
Whenever you find yourselves in a discussion, always look for a solution. Ask yourselves what actually happened. Did you offend each other? Or did you simply touch an unhealed wound from the past? Were you rude.. or did your honesty trigger something within the other person? There is a fine line between honesty and rudeness. Make sure you do not cross it.
Do not confuse honesty with lack of emotional responsibility.
Every action creates a reaction. Never forget that. And always ask yourself what intention lies behind your actions.
Be kind to one another. Listen to understand. Apologize when you are wrong. Do not judge or point fingers. Express yourself without insulting others.
Learn to communicate with love, not with ego. Learn each other’s love language. And the moment you notice that a conversation is turning into insults, shouting or disrespect.. STOP.
Remember that you cannot erase what has already been said. Words stay. And sometimes they cannot be forgotten or forgiven because they leave a bitter taste behind and begin to fill the relationship with doubt.
So STOP. Take the time to calm down and continue the conversation only when both of you are mentally sober. Remember.. you are supposed to solve the problem together, not become the problem yourselves.
This isn’t the only text. But today, it might be enough.